has anyone here used megabus for travel?
if you have..let me know how that went.
i need the publics opinion please. :]

everyone is switching to to tumblr, so now i am too. i know that makes me the biggest hypocrite basically ever but hey, things change.

as for those of you who actually still read my livejournal, it would be really cool of you to get a tumblr too. :]

i don't know what's going on or why i'm feeling these strange, awful things. i can't remember what i felt was so special between us, but whatever it was it feels like a parasitic fucking worm sucking the life right out of me. okay, i don't mean to be melodramatic. but could you please excuse yourself from my fucking head?

sometimes it's just not okay.

wow. that really hurt my feelings more than it should have.
everything has been hurting a lot the past couple of days.

i'm just going to quit while i'm ahead on this one.

i don't feel like moving, EVER again.

i'm about to have a fucking mental breakdown. kjdhlkhlksjfh.
school, lacrosse, homework, work, girlfriend.
i don't know how much longer i can handle this.
:[




and nobody around me seems to have a clue.

here i am once again. here i am hoping that by pouring my thoughts out into this pathetic journal i might somehow get rid of some of the craziness that has been building up inside of me.

i don't know what is happening. i can't figure out this change in my personality that is taking place, or why. i think this has happened before, maybe more than once. i know it's depression. i don't need somebody to tell me that. but i'm beginning to think there might be something deeper this time.

i think i need anger management. i have been lashing out at amber a lot. i have been physically as well as emotionally abusive, and my own actions often only make me more upset. when i'm alone i cry because i have nobody to take my anger out on. i'm afraid i may start cutting again because i can't figure out how to deal with my anger without being abusive. i guess in a way lashing out at amber has kept me from lashing out on myself. but lately it seems like it could be really nice to just go back to that.

i don't know anymore.
i think it's time for some professional help.

i feel ugly.

someday i wish for my skin to be darker, for my blemishes to disappear, for you to snap my picture and wash away my imperfections. to cast a light upon my face and with the click of a button secure my beauty that shall no longer be denied.

someday i wish for my clothes to fall gently across my body, to rid myself of tugging and pulling in an effortless battle to force my exterior to reflect who i am. pieces of delicate fabric that subtly weave their way into my wardrobe and somehow just FIT.

someday i will know who i am and maybe then it won't feel so confusing.

so i kind of fucked up again. but it felt really good.

someday;

someday i hope to rise above the negative aspects of myself and to be the best person that i can be. someday i hope that i can make active changes in my life to live the way i really want to instead of just thinking about it and claiming it. someday i hope to find a real friend. someday i wish that i will be happy. someday i hope that i will find the right balance in this life, the perfect solution to this madness. someday i hope i can say that i feel just as good as i know that i am. someday i hope that i can go somewhere where people don't take their lives for granted. someday i hope that i can meet somebody whose life does not revolve around competition, and deception, and facades. someday i hope that i can find someone who is on the same level as me. it doesn't happen often. someday everything will work out, i know i can count on that. someday i will be able to walk into a beautiful home, to a beautiful face, and know that i deserve every drop of love that i receive because by then i will know how to be a better person.

fuck everyone and everything. i can't believe i'm crying.
i'm not a bitch i'm just the realest person you have ever met. i don't try to be mean, but i can't help but be brutally honest. i won't dress up my personality so that you will like me, and i sure as hell am not going to be nice to you just because you are nice to me. not if you are FAKE BITCH, that is.

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
maybe i wouldn't be such a bitch if i wasn't constantly surrounded by complete morons.

i feel so alone right now and i wish i could just leave and go somewhere where people don't know who i am.

i'm not going to shower until friday morning.

you would never think to look here.

i just really wish these ever-changing emotions would cease for a little while. but they won't, and they can't. because they are DIRECTLY related to you. so to get rid of these emotions i must get rid of you. but i don't want to. so i just deal with it. up, down, up, down, up, down. that's how it always is. when i'm around you i totally forget about the fact that at least once a day you make me angry. i'm not sure how that works. it makes me feel like i get angry easily or for stupid reasons, if i can so easily forget about my anger.

but i'm still really sick of you being so inconsiderate all of the time. it takes very little effort to please me. and yet you somehow still can't get it through your head. i don't feel like i should have to call YOU after getting off of work, after a really long day. i feel like it would make me really happy if you made the effort to call ME and ask ME how MY day was. but it's always the other way around. i don't even remember the last time you asked me how my day was. seriously, it's those little things that make a huge difference. to me. i really doubt whether you even think about me when i'm not around. because if you did, maybe you might think about what would make me happy. maybe you would do something that you normally wouldn't, just because you know it would make my very stressful day a little better.

but no. you are so wrapped up in hanging out with your friends all fucking day long that you didn't notice the time, and had no idea i had been off work. YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING BOY, except you're not. it makes me sick sometimes. i don't understand. it takes such little effort. i promise if you even just make it seem like you give a fuck, i will be pleased.

but then you turn around and act like you will be devastated if we aren't together, etc. IF YOU SERIOUSLY CARE SO MUCH ABOUT ME THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT SHOWING IT. WORDS DON'T MEAN SHIT TO ME, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE. I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T EVEN HEAR IT ANYMORE. DO SOMETHING, I DARE YOU. fucking DO something. you better figure it out now, because otherwise you are going to be looking back on this and learning from it and using what you learned to not fuck up your relationship with SOMEBODY ELSE. okay?

fuck.

i just want somebody to consider me.
i just want somebody who knows what it really means to love somebody.
is this your version of love? well it's seriously fucked up and demented, and i don't believe this could ever be called love. and i hope to god you figure out what you're doing wrong and i hope you fix it because the truth is i don't want to be the girl who made you realize what you were doing wrong, so that next time you can do it right. i want you to do it right NOW, because i want you to do it right on me. i want this to be right.

i believe. that the best way to live life is to appear poor, but to never be poor.
i call it the conservational--work-a-holic worldview.

i think this could make america very happy.

i only tolerated you for so long because you were the only person i had.
and now i'm completely alone.
i'm trying to be strong, but sometimes you have to let yourself break down. sometimes you have to show yourself that you are human and no matter how hard you want to seem, that it's okay to be vulnerable.

i don't want you to know that this is hard for me.
but don't think that means i'm going to come crawling back to you. i'm healing. i'm having a hard time with this because now i have to face the fact that i have detached myself from everything socially. i was comfortable with you, but i will find comfort again. i don't care how much you want to put the blame on me and make me seem like i'm crazy. because the truth is, all of this stems from your insecurities. don't you recall when you used to be absolutely cruel to me, and when i would attempt to understand you, you would tell me you didn't know why you acted that way. this is the way things are because of YOU. because YOU don't know how to express YOUR feelings to me. i tried to be nice, i tried to make things okay. but deep down somewhere, YOU have a problem with ME. don't even try to put this off on me and act like things are so fucked up because of something i did. i think you need to get your head out of your ass and stop being in denial about who you really are, about how you really feel, and about the fact that you don't know what the fuck you are doing. i hope you know that however "psycho" i was towards you, you made me that way.

you can pretend you don't care all you want. that doesn't change the fact that you are reading this right now, does it?

anyway. this is just another one of those things. i've been through it before. and it hurts and it's hard, but i know that i am strong enough to get through it. i am crazy. and i don't think it's a bad thing. i'm sorry you have to be so wrapped up in being normal and happy. i'm sorry for you. but you too will figure it out someday. i hope you do.

i just got up from a two hour nap. that's the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time. oh, these simple pleasures.

so i guess the most recent news is that my best friend and i broke up. haha. sounds kind of funny i guess. not that it is funny. it's not funny, but it is for the better. i believe so anyway. i think it's important to rid yourself and your life of negative energy whether that be in the form of people, places, things, or even thoughts. and the truth is, i feel very relieved. it's very hard to stay positive in life when the people closest to you can be very negative and inconsiderate of others. i can't exactly pin-point what went wrong, and i'm sorry that it did. it sucks to lose a friend, and especially somebody you care about a lot. but sometimes you just have to look at a situation and be the better person and make decisions. because if we hadn't decided that we weren't going to deal with a relationship anymore, we would still be in the negative cycle we had been in for quite some time. i'm glad it's over with though. although i hope someday we can both grow up enough to handle being in each others presence. i guess we shall see.

i'm waiting for the day to come when i can feel happy and clean and healthy. all those things at once, for once. i don't want to do any drugs from now on. i want to feel healthy, and clean. i want to be strong. i think getting more in tune with my body will help me to feel better in general. i've been getting to a point where i get pissed off inside if i don't have a drug. and i don't want to ever feel like i need a drug, ever. so i'm going to do the right thing and be strong and resist temptation from those things. i'm not saying i'm NEVER going to do drugs again, because that would be a perfect lie. but i am going to start making some better decisions and i am going to start resisting once in a while. well, i'm going to try.

i think it might help if she wasn't always so high.
i think it might help if she complimented me once in awhile.

i am not living for today, sorry. and even if i died i would feel satisfied with the plans i have made for the way things could have been.

i've been finding it hard to play nice with others. i must have missed that lesson in life. i'm really done with a lot of people. and a lot of things. i'm sick of being around people that remind me of my fourteen year old self. i need to find more people on my level, someone i can relate to? who knows.

i feel sick and i wish this could be easier.

i haven't heard anna nicole's name in a really long time. i didn't really think that would happen. haha anna, you whore.